Roger's still not talking to me. I dunno what's up. I mean, I hope he's not having second thoughts about *scribbled out*
We're back in the loft right now. God, this place looks like a dump compared to the Mews. It was nice, though. Being able to turn on the lights without them flickering every few minutes or something. Thanks, Benny.
Things have been ... weird lately. I dunno. Just weird. I was thinking earlier, too. I haven't gotten tested in weeks. I forgot, what with all this sickness insanity going on lately. And then... I dunno. I just haven't, really. I'm sort of apathetic about it.
I don't think that's a good thing.
... Oh well.
It's Collins and Angel's anniversary tonight, at any rate. Four months, I believe. You go, guys :)
April 24th, 1990
8:00pm, Eastern Standard Time
I haven't touched my camera in a week. That's the longest I've gone without it since I first got it... I just haven't been in the mood to. I don't know. It's Buzzline, though. I know it. It sounds paranoid, but I really think it is. They've been having me use their company cameras to get any footage so they can write off the film and everything on their taxes. Those things are fucking heavy. They weigh at least 20 pounds. Which doesn't sound like much, but compared to my, like seven-pound one... and then lug it around for a few hours... Alexi's been trying to get me to be her personal videographer or whatever. Apparently I'm good at catching the light in her hair or something... equally superficial.
Which also leads me, from my previous statement, so apologize if I've been testy with anyone over the past few days. I've been really irritable lately... Again, don't know why. So... just, yeah, if I've snapped at you at all or something. Sorry.
Okay. I'm gonna be on the fire escape for a while... then it's off to Hell... I mean, work.
January 23, 1990
6:00am, Eastern Standard Time
Alexi Darling's voice is going to grate on my sanity.
Yessss. Okay, it already is. One day and I kind of wanted to stab her with my camera. However you do that, I don't know, but I'll find out. She's driving me crazy. And she's not allowed to call me Marky anymore. What the fuck. I can hardly stand it when my friends call me that. Never mind her. Especially in that voice...
But!! Good news. I found 10 bucks on the way home! How did I do that? But yeah. I bought Roger a pack of cigarettes, cuz I know he's been wanting some for a little while now and he hasn't been able to get any. Then I got myself some food. Cuz I haven't eaten in four days (*shifty eyes*) and I've been running around for people all day. I got something from this little Mexican place. I've never eaten there before, but it tasted pretty good, despite destroying my taste buds for a week now. Oh well.
January 12th, 1990
3:00pm, Eastern Standard Time
So Joanne's and Maureen's engagement party... thing. Was yesterday.
Maureen ended up flirting with the woman serving the champagne, and her and Joanne got in a huge argument, right in front of their parents and everything. Roger missed half of it cuz he was stuffing his face with the free food. Weirdo. I must've had a weird look on my face too, cuz Kara kept laughing at me.
But yeah! So then after the two ladies stopped arguing and just walked out of the room (did they break up? I don't know. I think so...), Maureen's MOM turns to me. That woman... has always scared the shit out of me. After when we were dating, and she made a point of, when I met her, while Maureen was in the bathroom, to tell me that if I ever 'hurt her poor baby's feelings'... she knew where I lived. ...Kind of spooky. She just kind of turns to me and says that we should get back together now. Awkward.
Best part though. I think. ... Yeah, probably. We get back to the loft... and all our shit's back! Apparently Mimi 'talked' (talked...?) to Benny about everything and convinced him to end this little war. Dammit. We never even got to use Fort Boho. I still wanna throw a shoe at him. He was trying to give us some bull lease for everything... I don't know. I just paid the fuckin' rent with my first advance - four months of it. And Roger said I wouldn't get a chance to be smug again.
But now... I think Roger and Mimi are fighting because Mimi didn't tell Roger about Benny or... Something.
Angel and Collins are still thriving, though! ...We can be happy for that!
It figures the first night I have an actual bed back and an actual blanket to cover me, I can't sleep because I'm too nervous. I have to go to work today. That sounds... weird. I don't want to go to work... *sigh*
January 12, 1990
5:00am, Eastern Standard Time
Okay. Let's see... last time I did one of these... It was after Buzzline. *nods* Okay.
...What happened, really? Not much. I mean, I
got dressed up byhung with Angel a while the other day. Oh, yes, thank you for the little note on my... note. Kara. But, no, she didn't teach me to dance. I'm good enough with that already. *tongue*
She also... is hooking me up with someone. I don't know if she's actually talked to hi... them yet.
*heavily scribbled out*
But maybe I'll be able to get my mind off Roger...
Fort Boho is still standing. *fist in air* It will until the end of time, I say. The end of time.
January 9, 1990
9am, Eastern Standard Time
Okay… um… I’m not even sure right now.
Yes. Okay. So the interview… I’m glad Joanne was there. Because I was a nervous wreck. I mean, it was bad enough MAUREEN came along. Woo hoo. She wanted to… aid the creative process or something. I dunno. I just know she spent half of the time asking if her outfit was too much and making me even more nervous. She didn’t come into Alexi’s office with me and Joanne, but I still just sat there the whole time, tapping the armrests and stammering. Urgh.
I got it, though! Thank God. Lack of soul or not, it’s three grand a segment. That’s a LOT more than I was expecting. I’ll be able to pay Benny’s precious rent, buy Roger AZT…
That wasn’t the weirdest part though. Okay, so, apparently, Maureen was flirting with the secretary when we were in the meeting thing. I didn’t notice. I was kind of having in internal meltdown. But the second we’re out of the building, the two of them start at each other. I’ve never seen a cat fight before, but… damn. That was close. Maureen was accusing Joanne of going with … ME… which, did I miss something? Because last I checked, she was a lesbian… Then Joanne starts about the flirting, and they argued and fought.. and just when I think they’re going to break up…
MAUREEN FUCKING PROPOSES TO HER.
Right on the sidewalk!! Cheese and rice, talk about surreal. I mean, really… that… that can’t have been real. This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening.
I’ll be in my room…
January 3, 1990
7pm, Eastern Standard Time
I can't do this. I really can't do this. I'm not going. I can't go. I'm gonna fuck it up. I know it. We're all gonna have to live on the streets and everyone's gonna hate me and then we're gonna starve to death just cuz I can't get a fuckin'-
Okay. Calm. Calm. Breathe. I'm leaving... in a few minutes. Joanne's helping. She's gonna be my lawyer for free (Probono... or whatever that's called. I didn't even know I'd need one...) AND she got me some clothes from the thrift store for now so I'd look... somewhat presentable.
Except it's all for nothing because I'm gonna fuck it all up! *flails*
Calm. Shit, fuck. I gotta be calm. Calm.
I don't wanna sell my soul! Don't let them take my soul!!
January 3, 1990
Two p.m., Eastern Standard Time
*lots of scribbled marks* *hardly distinguishable*
I want my old notebook back. I'd feel a lot safer. I really don't want anybody reading about some of the stuff I wrote. Like about secret stuff... like Nani. And Roger. And Sam and... And... Jake.
Roger and Mimi are doing it on the floor. Like. You can just picture me flailing wildly. RIGHT THERE. I'm sitting in our bathtub right now. It's kind of weird... I haven't touched this since... April. I always used the shower. It's not as private - there's no fucking curtain around the shower. What's up with that?? - but it didn't feel creepy to sit in. It's not working very well as a hiding place either. This room echoes.
It's like having a fucking porn movie playing in the next room and I can't find the remote. And it's ... really turning me on. I do not like this predicament. Hand... keeps wanting... to go down pants... Must resist...
Still dunno the time
So I'm sitting on the loft floor, half-naked, shivering and freezing ... It sounds like the start to a Twilight Zone episode or something. 'Start with the end! Work your way back to it!'
All right, all right, all right. I'll start from the beginning - then I know I won't miss anything.
So the night actually started out... semi-decent. I didn't dress up, as promised. I didn't drink any, though, either... which was weird for me. But. *shrug* I just mostly filmed everyone's good times. And it was! I mean, a good time. Struck midnight and we watched the ball drop on the TV screen in the window of that little electronic hock store instead of turning around and walking a few blocks towards it ourselves, haha. But that's East Villagers for you. Had to watch everyone that wasn't me suck face for a few minutes to celebrate it. *shakes out hands* No biggy. I'm fine. It's only been a month, seven days, four hours and 23 minutes since I've gotten any action that wasn't self-procured. I can deal.
Resolutions. I got them ALL on film. Documentation right here. *taps camera* I'm holding you all to these...
And don't ask me what mine is. Cuz it doesn't exist. This isn't actually my new year, bitches. Comes with being Jewish. Looks like you'll all have to wait until Rosh Hashanah.
We all kind of walked around for a while, singing loud songs and getting drunk. Lots of groping and a rather feisty ass-grabbing that goes to Ms. Joanne. Maureen was the first of the night to steal the camera and try to film me. Apparently, she's the kiss of death too. She wound it too tightly and snapped the film I had inside *facepalm* So I only really got half of what I wanted to - I didn't want to have to fix it right there so I just shoved it into my bag the rest of the night. She kept bringing up that sleazy news show that keeps calling me. Buzzline. Ugh. I'm not picking it up. Ever. That's selling out. I'm not a sell out. Yet.
Oh, wait wait wait. It gets better. So we finally stumble back home around three a.m, right? Padlock on the door. Thanks, Benny. You make us more and more willing to see your side of things. So Angel - you go, girl - smashes it open with a motherfuckin' trash can like she's in a Bond movie or something. We go upstairs...? And all our shit's gone. ALL of it. Even down to my fucking notebook. I love it how all our shit's gone and that's the first thing I worry about. If he reads that... I swear to God... Death. Death, pain, destruction.
So right now... we're technically squatters. But where the hell else do we have to go? Angel and Collins had some extra blankets and sleeping bags lying around their apartment they let us borrow for a while, but they only had three - one for me, one for Kara, one for Roger and Mimi. Roger wasn't letting me give up mine for him and Mimi, even though they need it more. Joke's on him - I gave it to them once they fell asleep together in one of the sleeping bags.
Which is where the half-naked thing comes in. Because somebody spilled champagne on my jeans. Sitting in boxers in the middle of January probably isn't the smartest thing to do, but who the fuck is caring. I just hugged my knees and sat in the windowsill.
This also means I'm going to have to take that Buzzline job anyways. Insert a long string of expletives here. My interview's Wednesday, and it can't come soon enough. I'm about to strangle the nearest person here. I hadn't eaten in a few days again to pay for Roger's AZT, seeing as we killed that money from that news show buying my riot footage in the span of negative five minutes. I'm gonna have to go a few more now. But I don't care. I can deal.
I've just been sitting here, thinking for at least an hour now.
I can't sleep.
January 1, 1990
Who the fuck knows what time it is?
Benny took the clock.
Walking in on Mimi and Roger. Um. Awkward. It felt… very weird. I dunno. Like, I didn’t want to… Half of me just kind of felt like ripping Mimi off of him and screaming at her. “No, he’s mine! Let him fuck ME.” And I really do not know why. That was just… not me. I ran out fast… took a leaf from Roger’s book and took a few minutes to sit on the roof.
We’re going out in a few minutes, all of us – to Times Square. I hope I can get some nice footage tonight. Maybe have some … actual fun. Rumor has it that they’re all trying to get that Kara girl from the Catscratch club to kiss me at midnight. I mean… she’s cute and real nice and … but I dunno. I just don’t like her that way. If that makes sense. Yeah, it does.
My rambling is costing my paper. This writing’s getting progressively smaller. I’m gonna end now, while I’ve still got room for a timestamp.
Shit. I don’t have room for a timestamp.